Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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