so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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