that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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