Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
