Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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