my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
