Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think I am morally bankrupt
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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