Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
