dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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