shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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