Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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