Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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