i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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