Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
