Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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