i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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