those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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