tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
