and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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