I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
