YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize