If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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