Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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