you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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