Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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