My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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