yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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