So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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