we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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