You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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