we have pet lesbian snakes
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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