Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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