watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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