if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
