just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
