Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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