you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
