sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
