I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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