i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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