Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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