I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
