PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
