Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
