You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
