Your dad touched me again.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
