my phone needs a breathalizer
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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