Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
