I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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