K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
