oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
