I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
