I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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