Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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