we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
