Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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