All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
