i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize