I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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