i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
